This blog is pretty darn personal (similar to my other blog ‘When I hit rock bottom’). Very few people realise (including those very close to me) what daily battles I put myself through. That said, I wanted to write such a blog because:

(a) I’ve discovered writing blogs is so good for my mind. It helps me process information,

(b) Hopefully it may help someone,

(c) I write about my truth the best.

I suffer from anxiety. I always have done since a child. I worry about the little thing as well as the bigger things – money, health, people, life, the future, making decisions, consequences, and even the past. That said it has taken me only the last year or two to fully understand it (although I’m a long way from truly comprehending what’s going on inside my brain) and start dealing with it.

I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A WORRIER

Going back to my childhood I always remember fretting about literally everything. I mean what child stresses about life? I used to stress about going to school, who I sat near to, homework, not listening or even making a mistake when reading text allowed in class. I mean looking back on it all I now laugh. To have those concerns again would be amazing! Then I turned into a spotty teenager were your body goes through changes. I used to panic over my looks, often deliberately not talking to people in fear of others looking at me. I was never bullied at school but I used to overhear other students indirectly sniggering or passing unsavoury comments as I walked past them in corridors saying how ugly I was. The mental stuff is worse! I would deliberately not engage in lessons aloud in fear of being looked at or making a mockery of myself. I always planned for the worst. Reading this sounds horrendous. I learnt to disguise my anxiety well. I always tried to stay pretty chipper but inside I wanted to desperately curl up and just die.

Throughout my twenties I dealt with life as it hit me mostly with a laugh and a smile. First job, commuting, shift work, friendships and family. I still suffered from adult acne into my very early twenties this time the playground taunts making way to overhearing work colleagues passing comments over my looks, knocking back any confidence I’d gained. That said, I was still able to tell my brain there were plenty of positives. And there were….. I made some amazing life-long friends who encouraged me to be the real me, I came out, I worked hard, I partied hard(ish), and worked in an industry that I truly loved. Things improved into my late twenties and I think that’s how I told my brain that my anxiety wasn’t a thing because life had been good to me.

I mean if things are mostly good then anxiety doesn’t affect me Right?……well actually wrong.

Looking back I think I always presented myself as the person people wanted to like and wanted to know. I had struggled with my sexuality for many years, felt I was living a lie and blamed myself. I would always refrain from going out too often, decline group gatherings, worked way too hard in the event people thought I was lazy and talked about me behind my back; But truly I couldn’t blame my problems on this, I had moved on. I mean my first job was aviation were I’d stand up and speak in-front of over 200 people sometimes without a thought.

I don’t think I understood what anxiety was for many years but I remember it certainly wasn’t a big topic of conversation amongst my friends and family.

I now work in Ophthalmics which I’d say has been both a blessing and a curse. It’s often fast paced and you never have the same day twice. I enjoy my work and enjoy providing guidance to others. That is one of my main strengths. I adore supporting and training colleagues, and I’m good at it! I see my job role as a positive and hope to help rather than hinder people. To some, I may come over as a little lazy but I give it my all. I have just managed the skill of not becoming stressed and burdened by my workload. Some people may argue I’ve developed the trait of actually being very busy but making it look easy!

Nonetheless, it’s hard listening and helping all day long while wondering why do I still feel so crap, disillusioned, anxious and worried.

I think I have always known I was suffering but the power of positivity has always stopped me from admitting it or discussing it. Plus, I saw it as a weakness. I have incredible family and friends that are always there for me. However, my brain sometimes shuts itself down. I feel I am burdening others with my woes if I go on too much so I’ve learnt not to air my worries to otherwise listening ears.

SO WHERE DID IT START?

I actually couldn’t say for sure. A child. My first memory that totally ruined my confidence was a family gathering when I was fourteen years old. It was my dads birthday and a family surprise party had been organised. I always remember I felt sick to the bone having to be confronted with over fifty family and family friends I had or hadn’t seen for years. I mean at fourteen you’re learning about yourself for a start and discovering how to become an adult, socially. I was so used to hearing comments behind my back telling me how ugly or how ‘thick’ I was I hated the fact I would have to confront people face-to-face having them physically looking at me.

I always remember it was getting pretty late into the birthday celebration and my childhood friends dad had attended. At the time I had just started two weeks of ‘work experience’ at school and he was asking me questions about how it was going. I was sat on a chair with my back against the dance floor, not seeing what was going on behind me. I was totally engaged in this conversation when a family member came up behind me and pulled out the chair from under me whispering in my ear “you should be dancing and enjoying yourself”. I was so embarrassed in front of a crowd of people. The family member had totally made me feel like crap. I felt terrified I had to deal with a situation in front of people as a shy teenager. Within a flash my anxiety sky-rocketed. I felt sick. I broke out in cold sweats. My mouth filled with saliva. All I wanted to do was go home and hibernate. That evening could not have ended soon enough. From that moment, on top of being mentally bullied over my teenage acne, as well as other incidents, it took me almost into my adulthood to build up my confidence.

These days my anxiety is self-controlled. I have never paid a visit to the doctor for medical aids. The only way I can switch my brain off in order to get at least a minimum amount of sleep at night is to have a beer or a shot of whisky.

Looking back over my past how dare I even think of being worried or anxious. And that was probably my downfall. And it makes me sad to even write this but I don’t feel I was allowed to admit I was anxious. I always assumed that people who suffer from this condition have really bad lives (some do. But not all)

I also assume people would consider me selfish because I tend to do what I like. Not because I don’t want to do anything anyone else enjoys but because it’s my comfort blanket. If you look at my life I do have everything I need. I never ask anyone for a favour. I don’t ever ask for more (OK maybe the lottery win, but I’m working on it!)

I don’t claim to have the perfect “Facebook” life. That said I do sometimes look for validation on my social accounts. Extrovertly, this helps with my anxiety and will need some explaining….

If you scroll through my social media accounts you will notice there are periods of landscapes and friends and periods of what I call shirtless selfies. The shirtless selfie stage is a double edged sword, and is best explained as the attention seeking phase were I’m triggered and feeling low. This is usually caused by mental bullying, harassment, personal attacks, not feeling valued, back-stabbing or deceit.

But why selfies?

At my lowest point I was so bullied by my acne it caused distress, pain and led to horrific anxiety attacks. It doesn’t matter how good you look right now you still see your worst-self in the mirror. This is very unlikely to change.

‘Validation’ is how I deal with my physical appearance. I call it acceptance .

But why?

For all my life there has been some form of mental bullying, stab in the back comments, harassment that has occurred from school, work, relationships with partners that has made my anxiety worse than ever. When you’re constantly put down you can either let it get to you (which sometimes I do), or you can find a coping mechanism like social media; is a way of some attention, that actually helps with my anxiety.

But surly you’re smarter than that?

Smarter than what? Smarter than people who think it’s acceptable to keep putting you down? Smarter than people who don’t give you the respect you deserve in order for them to feel good about themselves? Smarter than not feeling valued? Smarter than the vicious minds bullies and backstabbers underestimate they have? Most of the time they fail to realise the pain or hurt they cause and the knock-on effects it can have on someone.

Social media sometimes is the only place I can go to make me feel good when the anxiety is really getting to me. Nice people are walked over. It’s the nice people that are the ones that are usually hurting. When your happiness is insulted and every happy thought you have is damaged.

For me, social media is my validation to be accepted when I feel the dark depths of my anxiety are overbearing. I’m strong willed usually. I’m independent. I am ok, but only because social media has helped me combat my anxiety. It acts like a circuit breaker against the bad thoughts. The self doubts. The tremendous palpitations.

SO WHERE NOW?

Please do not over analyse this blog. The vast majority of the time I am my true self, but there are times when I’ll create a disguise to camouflage the fact inside I’m being torn apart.

The only way I can deal with things sometimes is to open up to those I can truly trust whom I know will not judge (and believe me there actually aren’t many of those people around even in your ‘circle’). Over the past few years I have learnt my worth. For goodness sakes, who takes this long to know their worth?!

I’m the king of self doubt but learning the word “Gaslighter” (look it up) has helped me identify people we don’t need in our lives as well and focusing on friends and family that deserve my time.

I appreciate the argument that everyone faces these battles in life but there are people that have the mental strength to push it all aside without a care in the world, and there are others that are affected by it.

I’ve learnt I can’t worry about other people all the time. I’ve learnt if I feel under-valued either by a work colleague, family or perhaps a partner I’ll find a way of getting that validation elsewhere and perhaps leave a situation.  I know my worth and I refuse to have anxiety battles.  I have learnt anxiety isn’t a bad word.  It’s not something I should be embarrassed or ashamed of and I have learnt I can’t just keep thinking “Oh I have it good so I don’t need to look after me”, because I am just as important as anyone else.